When the Smoke Clears

After an affair has been discovered and the initial shock has worn off, there is a sense of helplessness that the offended spouse goes through. Similar to stages of grief, there is a time of shock, anger, mourning and disbelief. In a sense you are mourning the breakdown of a relationship – and what happens from here will be up to you. 

So what’s next? What do you do after the initial horror? Sometimes what you SHOULDN’T do is just as important as what you do. 

Don’t:

• Make revolutionary decisions about the state of your marriage. The day you discover an affair is not the day to call a divorce lawyer – although you will certainly be tempted to get one on retainer. Spend some time letting the raw emotions settle before deciding one way or another. 

• Stop taking care of yourself. A couple of days drowning your sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s is not going to be the end of the world. A couple of months with Cherry Garcia and not only is your marriage in trouble, so is your health. Make sure that you are eating regularly and getting some exercise. If you were already routinely working out, get back to it. If not, now is a good time to spend a little time doing something good for yourself. 

• Go crazy trying to “pay him back”. A rebound affair is trouble in every way. Don’t go looking for a way to show him how it felt or to prove you’ve “still got it”. It won’t help you sort out your feelings and it won’t be helpful in any way – it only adds to the disaster. 

When the Smoke Clears

• Stop having fun. You may think that laughing and having fun seem wrong during what is a major crisis in your life. It’s ok to still enjoy life – because life does (and will) go on. Go see a movie and laugh – the saying “Laughter is the best medicine” does have merit. It restores some of your joy – even if you don’t realize it.

• Act like nothing’s wrong. It is ok to mourn, and have feelings of anger and betrayal. You don’t have to put on a brave face for your kids – let them know in a healthy and non-frightening way that you’re sad and upset, but that you are working through it. They can usually pick up on your emotions and will know something is wrong - denying it will only add to their sense of unease. 

• Refuse help. Sometimes you need a non-partial third party to talk to. Seek counselling through your church, work programs or a licensed counselor. There is no weakness in admitting you need help. 

• Be unrealistic. Recovering from infidelity will take time. The tentacles will be far-reaching and can catch you unawares – even when you think you’ve gotten over it. Don’t place unrealistic expectations on yourself for how long it takes you to be able to move on and feel secure. 

Moving on from an affair does not have to spell the end of a relationship. It will take time and effort to get over the betrayal, but it is possible if you take the right steps. 

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Sex and Fidelity

Let’s face it: casual sex is everywhere. Sitcoms on television glorify the idea of sleeping with the boyfriend/girlfriend of the week, fiction books glamorize affairs and one-night stands, musicians pen ballads about the wonders of relationships based on physical attraction. 

Sex between consenting adults is perfectly accepted in society, until it happens between your spouse and another consenting adult. Suddenly that barroom pick-up line song takes on a whole new meaning when confronted with the reality that your spouse picked someone else up and took them home for their own episode of casual sex. Sex is (and should be) a sacred part of marriage. 

Imagine if these were the vows during a wedding ceremony:

"I, (insert name), take you (spouse’s name) to be my lawfully wedded wife. I promise to love you, and cherish you, and will be faithful to you until I find someone more attractive. Then, I will probably have sex with them, but will still love you and cherish you. I may find someone else that I want to have sex with but don’t worry. You’re the most important one in my life."

No one would sign up for that kind of deal! 

While study after study shows that a lack of sex is not the only reason a person cheats, it is definitely a factor in an affair. It is with good reason that a proactive approach to warding off an affair includes an active sex life: sex is important (not to mention fun). 

Make sex a priority in your relationship. One woman, whose mom was trying to be helpful before her daughter’s wedding, told her to always have a load of laundry nearby that needs to be done. The implication being that if you can have an excuse to get out of sex, you should take it. 

Sex and Fidelity

That kind of thinking is what helps to set the stage for infidelity later. Regardless of your sex life (or lack thereof) it’s never your fault if your spouse cheats. However, you stack the odds in your favor if the issue of sex is never an issue. 

While we will leave the particulars of your sex life to you, there are a few pieces of advice we will give: 

• More is better. Some couples commit to being intimate every day for a year. Some choose a shorter amount of time as a means to strengthen the marital bond. Talk together with your spouse and see if this is something that would be helpful in your relationship. 

• Variety is nice. Try something new – a new location, a new position, a new outfit. You don’t have to go any shades of gray to have a sex life that is varied and exciting. 

• Talking is good. Communication is a key component in a relationship – and is equally important within your sex life. Talk/text/email about how you’re looking forward to date night, how much your intimacy the night before meant to you, about how you got a new outfit that you can’t wait for him to see in bed tonight. 

Sex is a powerful tool in your relationship – use it as a tool for good. 

NEW! Now You Can Stop Your Separation, Divorce or Lovers Rejection…Even If Your Relation Seems Hopeless!

If you Want Him Back, I’ll show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your lover back in your arms – Especially if you are the only one trying…

The Secret you need to know to reverse your separation! From the man that has helped over 50 000 people in 77 countries to get back together again!

Read More..