Here, were going to talk about healing. Not bitterness, or anguish, or woulda-coulda-shoulda. Its healthy and expected to experience some of those things during a split, but getting stuck there too long can do a number on your well-being.
While some of these tips can apply to any and all breakup woes, others are geared toward partners who may be experiencing indirect effects of being close to someone with post traumatic stress disorder.
Supporting someone with PTSD can sometimes compromise psychological state (especially if the sufferer is not receiving treatment), and breakups are notoriously difficult, but you can heal from all of it. Here are three tips to get you started.
1. Get help.
Of course, the default advice is to reach out to someone who can provide professional help. For many leaving relationships with post traumatic stress sufferers, this is important and critical advice. More often than not, PTSD affects both the sufferer and the care-givers. An honest self assessment about the extent of the impact can help you determine whether you could benefit from more structured care as you move on.Even if you dont seek face-to-face professional guidance, there are many resources available for better understanding PTSD and its possible effect on you, the care-giver. Some examples are the book Shock Waves and Courage Under Fire. Even though these books are positioned towards individuals and families working through the complications of PTSD, theyre still useful resources for unpacking some of the complicated emotions and reactions that may be swirling around your head.
A quick note, though. Dont get too hung up on this stuff. Get educated, yes. Work through it. But also try to recognize when education is slipping into obsessive thinking about the past.
2. Write a letter. Dont send it.
One of the most challenging hurdles for relationships and PTSD is feeling an inability to connect. It affects sufferer and partner alike. In the aftermath of a breakup, this lack of connection can manifest into icy cold silence that haunts the partner.A gut reaction may be to reach out. Get answers. Tie up loose ends.
In most cases, that wont happen. And it sucks. Chances are, the no contact rule will be your best option.
This is where writing a letter you dont send comes in handy. Scribble down all your feelings. Reflect on your past. Tell them what you want, what would make it all better.
An interesting thing may happen when you go to write your request that you think would solve it all. You may notice the request is not possible, really. That its a wish for a person who, if youre being honest, isnt there anymore. At least, not for the foreseeable future.
You may then slowly accept that, while your pain is valid, your wishes are unlikely to happen. And that you may gradually accept the relationships demise.
3. Ground yourself. (In a good way.)
Were not talking punishment here -- were talking about staying in the moment.Chances are youve grown accustomed to navigating a world where flashbacks can throw everything off kilter. And now that youre away from the relationship, you may be having flashbacks of your own, trying desperately to make sense of what happened and what went wrong.
Caught up in an episode from the past? Ground yourself in the present.
Near a chair? Touch it. Grab a cup of coffee, perhaps. Maybe you would benefit from focusing on something in front of you. Others prefer to return to a mantra, or perhaps the lyrics of a song they really love.
Whatever brings you back to the present, use it. And stay with it. Allow thoughts of the past to fade.
PTSD is notoriously difficult on relationships, and the aftermath of a breakup where a partner was suffering from post traumatic stress can be similarly demanding. These tips are far from conclusive, but they should be a decent start for developing a new stage in your life that you can celebrate.
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